I realize I skipped part 3. I will come back to it I promise. It is just that part 4 feels really fresh. It is nowhere near over so hence the a. It begins in November 2018. 2018 was a year fraught with unwanted change and grief. I was ready to be done with it. Through it all I appeared to be managing my health really well. I had a rough spell in April that required an adjustment in my meds. Other than that things were looking good. A colonoscopy showed my colon to look “just like a colon is supposed to look.” I was managing my nutrition and exercise well. I wasn’t experiencing low calcium symptoms. I was feeling pretty darn good. I was. In November I had a routine ultrasound that came back suspicious. I went for a biopsy and Dr E told me immediately that it was Cancer. Dr. N called me and wanted me to see my surgeon who sent me for a CT scan. Dr O called and wanted me to consult with specialist in NC. I have a consultation with Dr S that gives me an overload of information. Dr S wants me to see a thyroid specialist but I am unable to get an appointment. In the meantime my insurance will not approve my PET scan. I have another utrasound. Dr S is concerned about the location of the tumor and damage to a nerve if he operates. He still wants me to see Dr H the thyroid specialist to see if she could do an Alcohol Ablation. Christmas is upon us so I go home and wait upon the powers that be.
At the first of the year I am finally able to get an appointment on January 29 with Dr H in her new office in Charleston, SC. It is a three week wait. For the last month I have scheduled my clients appointments telling them I might have to move them. I continue to do this. Husband has been on jury duty since October and has had alot going on at work. We are dealing with lots of unsettledness. I feel like I can’t commit to anything because I don’t know what I will need to do. I like having a plan. I am willing to deviate but I want something to deviate from. I trust God. I trust His plan for me. Often it isn’t exactly clear what I am supposed to do. I think for believers knowing Gods will through the details is often quite difficult. Do I go left or right? Wait or move ahead? I wish God functioned like Alexa. I could just say, “Father, what do you want me to do today?” And then hear His audible voice. Sigh. I know to consult His Word. But it fails to give me the details of left or right. What His Word does tell me is who He is. And without knowing who He is I could never begin to know His will. So in my struggle to make decisions and to actively wait, I will rest in who He is. Father, Savior, Redeemer, Healer, Provider, Omnipresent, Omniscient, just to name a few.
I saw Dr H in Charleston. I admit I have a dr-crush on her. She is caring, smart and pretty. She did a very through ultrasound and reviewed my medical history as well as my current regimen. Unfortunately she did not think I was a good candidate for the alcohol ablasion. It is just too close to that darn nerve. She reviewed my past records from 2005 and consulted with my three other doctors (crush!). Conclusion: The plan is to see if I can “uptake” radioactive iodine to shrink the tumors. And so I wait for insurance approval and further direction as I focus on who God is.
In faith, Deanna
I had begun to call my first go around with thyroid cancer The Big Inconvenience. I had survived. I found it doable and at this point it mostly felt inconvenient. I was still trying to figure out how to live with HYPOPARA and I was still managing my daily meds. Both with no end in sight. The endocrinologist I began my journey with had retired and I began to see the Nurse Practitioner. JG was great. She spent time with me and listened when I had issues. I really felt like a person and not an appointment time slot. She found part 2 of my cancer. It was 2013 and for the last eight years I had been having the regular blood-work and ultrasounds. When things showed up she wanted me to go for a biopsy. I had done all this before and I had opinions about who I would go to. She patiently send me to someone more specialized in delicate area biopsy. My new Cytopathology person Dr R was amazing. It was still painful but a much better experience than the first go around. I was surprised with the results because thyroid cancer was supposed to be the easy one. No big deal in the cancer world. The word about town was that it was curable. We next had to find a surgeon and I had gotten pretty choosy after the first experience. I landed with Dr O. Since this wasn’t my first party I felt I knew what to expect. Not a lot of the process had changed. The nurse would start to go over things with me and I would inject my own view of what was going to happen. I am sure I was annoying but I felt annoyed. There are lots of important details that they don’t exactly share up front. I want the whole story. I want to know what to expect and to have a plan. I can veer from the plan but I need to have one in place. Aside from the problems with my calcium levels (hypoparathyroidism) following the surgery, everything else went fairly smoothly. I liked my new surgeon. He made another scar right above my old one.
I am a glass half full kind of person. I can’t help it really. I am blessed with being able to see different sides of a situation and I am naturally drawn to the full side. But sometimes my glass gets tipped over. It throws me off and it takes a bit to get it upright again. It’s like one of those days when gravity always wins and no good deed goes unpunished. There is a line in Psalm 22 that describes it for me exactly. “I am poured out like water…” Wow. If you have ever felt this way you know exactly the feeling David was describing. It feels like I am spent and I have nothing more. I have often heard well meaning believers say that God won’t give you more than you can handle. Well I don’t think that is exactly true. Without getting into a Scripture debate I declare my proof is in life. I know because at this moment I have more than I can handle. You disagree? You think I am handling? I am certainly not doing it in my own power. I am spent. Poured out like water. I think I have misplaced my glass and I am not going to look for it. Instead I will paraphrase 2 Corinthians 12:9 His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
Sometimes my grandmother would dress like she was homeless. Her clothing just didn’t make sense. It was as if she had pulled some things out of a sack and put them on with no thought to the final outcome. I once saw her at the post office and didn’t recognize her. I am not sure if it was the crocheted cap with the fuzzy ball or the polo shirt with a stork that threw me off. I don’t want to mislead you, she often dressed very nicely. The homeless look wasn’t her norm. This morning, years after her passing I finally understood… I arose with 15 minutes to get ready. No problem considering yoga doesn’t require a lot of getting ready time. Brush teeth, wash face, moisturize and put uncombed hair into a bun. Then I put on my favorite flowered yoga pants, matching tank and not so matching green uggs – chosen for their warmth. I am running low on time so I grab a burgundy fleece -conveniently laying on the chair- and I can only seem to find my bright red down coat although I have a nice neutral navy one somewhere. I catch my reflection as I head out the door and WHOA! I can’t go out like this. Out of time I quickly take off the red down and decide to wear my long black cashmere coat. I am certain that the color and quality will make everything look better. Tada! The homeless look. It is amazing how quickly it happened.
“The Lord will fight for you, you only have to be still.”
It is hard not to feel just a bit put out. Like maybe I have done something wrong or failed to do something right. The ongoing frustration of not being able to stop the ride. I could be angry but I don’t know where to direct said anger. As a believer it is easy to say that God has a plan. But it is often difficult to feel completely on board when you don’t have the whole plan laid out in front of you. When life feels like a detour. Thyroid cancer is supposed to be a good one. Easily overcome. But that just isn’t my experience. The introvert in me wants to hide away and quietly consider my situation. But that just isn’t working for me. So, what is a girl to do? I will hold tight to my purpose -to know God, love Him, enjoy Him and glorify Him. And with that foundation I will take some advise given to me a few cancers ago, blog. Phew, never thought I’d say that. I would love for you to come along side me. I apologize ahead for my bad grammar, rants, whining, periodic embarrassment and dry humor. I am thankful for this opportunity. As I begin my forth round of thyroid cancer, my goal is transparency and always to make you and Jesus smile.
asked and otherwise 