I have history. Three quarantines in the last fifteen years. All for health reasons. I remember a weird state of not being able to come and go as I please. Of having to depend upon others to leave me food or necessities. For more than two weeks the telly was my bestie showing me what I was missing. Brilliant ideas popped into my head of how to spend my time. Ideas that always required a little more of something unavailable. So I adapted and stayed put in my newfound reality. My freedom felt lost and there was a glimmer of what it might feel like to be Rapunzel or Sleeping Beauty before the prince.
In the real world constant social activity impacts my day. My quarantines were a huge adjustment and to fill the void I talked. I replaced talking with clients/friends to talking with my Lord. Inevitably it changed the way I pray. No more formal prayers. I just didn’t feel up to it. But talking, yep I could do that! And so I did. We talked about shows on tv, the weather, my friends, food, the news, my health, the state of the wide world, the state of my immediate world, books, relationships, plants, home improvement, goals, my fears, my frustrations. The joys of family, of friendships, of the ability to pray without ceasing.
It was at this time that I gained an understanding of what without ceasing really looked like. How it was actually possible. It wasn’t my constant flow of words or a physical posture. It was my constant knowledge that I was never alone. An awareness that as a Believer I am forever connected to the Creator of the universe. I realized that praying without ceasing is an attitude, a state of mind, a condition of my heart. And this opened up my world in a way I had never imagined. It prepared me for such a time as this.
And so I find myself in quarantine number four. It is in many ways different because it is a self-quarantine. I can come and go, it is just advisable not to. Many businesses are closed and there is a crazy hoarding situation going on. It is a good time to step back and count my blessings. I have many friends and family to check on as well as check on me. I have a home with many projects to fill my time or projects that can wait. I can do without the things that some feel they must stock pile, so I will not cause hardships on others. Right at this moment my needs are met. I am in relationship with a God that speaks and listens without ceasing. I am blessed. My God and I have history.
Just this week two friends expressed the desire to be more prayerful which inspired some random thoughts on prayer…
A quick glance at social media and you’ll see all kinds of requests and promises for prayers. It is really astonishing at how quickly you can post a need and have a response. It sure beats the old prayer chain of calling person A who then calls B who in turn calls C. Wonderful if everyone is actually praying….
Have you ever prayed not expecting an answer, but prayed anyway? Guilty. Or prayed so long for someone/something that it turns into a habit without any real expectation? Guilty. Promised someone you would pray for them and didn’t? Guilty. Or prayed for a change that you weren’t really committed to? You know, the commonly prayed help me lose weight but please just let it fall offbecause I am not really committed to do anything differently. Huh, guilty. Was my words empty, my faith weak or is it really just too difficult to pray correctly…
I remember the first time spiritually mature me prayed for God’s will in a situation. Someone close to me died. That was not how I wanted my prayer answered and my spiritual maturity was revealed to be an illusion. I had prayed for God’s will because that is what I was supposed to pray. I learned that my heart wasn’t quite there yet. It was a tough lesson that took awhile to recover from…
Praying should be the easiest thing we ever do. Like most things spiritual we make it complicated. We want a recipe to confirm we are doing it right. If it doesn’t come out correctly we assume something went wrong. For years I had an old unfortunate oven. Every time I tried to bake something it turned out unpleasant. I almost gave up on baking…
Frequently our long prayed prayers change. We begin to see things differently. Our words cease to focus inward. They begin to look outward and eventually up. I am ever amazed at how prayers involving physical heaping hot coals evolves into a prayer for spiritual salvation. This is the Holy Spirit at His finest. When our hearts change and our situation has not. When it happens so quietly that we can’t pinpoint exactly when the transition occurred…
I have lately experienced much answered prayer. My health is stable. My work is a joy. I can say that life is good. That is when my prayers get more focused on worship and praise. I will always have needs. Always concerns. My heart just has time to reflect and meditate on my Lord. We are called to pray continually. That is a lifestyle I would love to live…
No one this week told me they were praying too much and needed to cut back. Or that they have developed a bad prayer habit and must stop cold turkey. Never have I been asked to participate in a prayer intervention or had to avoid a situation where too much prayer was going on. Like my friends I desire more…
Have you ever witnessed a miracle? A full fledged throw away your crutches miracle. A there-is-no-way-that-could-be-possible miracle. The word gets tossed around these days creating a blur between what is real and what is entertainment. We grow increasingly numb to that which is sensational and in the broadness of our reality things get really small. Our worldview gets limited to the world we think we know. Things can be explained away or simply ignored.
So what is a miracle? Is it a miracle when I arrive safely at my destination? When someone we have issues with suddenly becomes an ally? When the sun rises in the morning? Just the words miracle healing bring forth memories of preHDTV Benny Hinn striking people with his jacket encouraging Jesus to heal on command. Was it real? Hard to say really. I know God has the power to heal through any vessel He chooses. Did a miracle take place? Hard to say. A younger me found it entertaining and slightly embarrassing.
A miracle defined is an awesome event in which God bears witness to Himself. When I consulted Scripture I realized it was beyond a quick what-does-the-Bible-say-about-miracles. Miracles appeared on page one and continued. Throughout Scripture we see amazing signs and wonders choreographed and carried out by God who does things on His own schedule in His own way. And so I ponder, have you seen a miracle?
Let me tell you about mine. First I have to say that God and I have history. A relationship formed through years of love and trust. It hasn’t been easy. I am not a gal who is easily wooed and often my attention is focused only on what is in front of me. My health has recently required a lot of attention. On top of two chronic illnesses I was diagnosed with my fourth round of Thyroid Cancer. It has been quite the ride. After a standard diagnosis Dr N sent me to Dr O sent me to Dr S sent me to Dr H sent me back to Dr S. while encountering biopsy’s, tests, consults, rejects and a failed RAI. (The last sentence was a time warp of 9 months.) No one knew exactly what to do with complicated me. All the while my prayer army battled on and the time for miracles asked was realized…
I arrive at Mayo Clinic for an evaluation and end up with aprocedure. My patient portal says I have a whole medical team. Looking back there are lots of things that just suddenly fell into place. Things that happened literallymomentbymoment. After waiting months and being tossed around I had appointments. I was complicated but doable. If I was willing they would try. The odds were in my favor that I would lose my voice, I didn’t. I was able to walk out following the procedure. This all happened within 48 hours of arriving on campus. I could sing on… making you feel like you were in a musical but I will spare you. It does make me want to sing and dance. Much like the people healed on Mr. Hinn’s tv show now that I think about it.
I don’t want to leave you with the wrong idea. I am not cured. Not yet. I go back in three months for a follow up and probably more ablation. Did a miracle take place? It is not hard to say. I have experienced an awesomeseason of events that caused me to see God more clearly. I have experienced a miracle.
I love watching American Ninja Warriors. I have enjoyed it long before it became mainstream. There is something about an obstacle course that gets my attention and causes me to see possibility. Good athletes always make a sport look effortless or at the least doable to those of us that have never done it. I secretly think I could shimy across the Bungee Bridge or any other bridge-like obstacle. I realize that anything requiring hanging or climbing would have to be worked out on the Monkey Bars at my local playground. If they could lower the 14+ foot Warped Wall to about 4 feet I would be willing to give it a try. Wouldn’t everyone?
Life can feel like one big obstacle course. This week feels like I have Twilight Zoned myself right into a test of strength, speed and agility with a side of sharing. Only lately, I feel like sitting down mid-course. Not quite giving up. Just having some quiet time to gracefully dismount instead of crashing into the water.
American Ninja Warriors are ordinary people doing extraordinary things. What we miss is how many times they hit the water. Everyone I know faces obstacles. Obstacles come in many shapes and there is no end to what can throw us off course. To make life look effortless isn’t something that comes without training. How we have trained for obstacles often determines how we handle them. What we have stored inside us surfaces to help us face the challenge in failure or victory.
My mind recalls the words I memorized years ago from an old Beth Moore bible study. I believe God is who He says He is. I believe God can do what He says He’s going to do. I believe I am who God says I am. My training isn’t without but within. Even if I sit down mid-course focused on my failure my heart knows. It isn’t my strength, speed or agility that will help me reach the buzzer. It is believing God.
I haven’t written in awhile. It isn’t that I don’t have anything to say. I am seldom without words. I have been busy. To quote a friend, “I’ve got stuff to do!”. I have been camping with hubby, to the beach with a girlfriend, training for a new BSF position, working and going to doctor appointments all over the place. All this while trying to be a good wife, daughter, friend, hairstylist… well, you get the picture. It is much of what each of us is strives to do as we go through life.
After a recent study of King Solomon’s life I read through the book of Ecclesiastes and feel I am left with much to consider. I could prattle on about eternity but I must admit eternity is not what stood out to me. I know my eternity is secure. It is the daily dealing with this life that are immediate in my heart and take space in my thoughts. The never-ending quest to be in God’s will. Some days it is easy peasy choices that don’t require much thought and little sacrifice. Other days I am left looking upward (surely you do it too) and proclaiming REALLY?! When faced with the unknown I find it best to hold to what I know. My to-dos I know from Ecclesiastes is “Fear God and keep His commandments” and “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might….”
I will be going to Mayo Clinic in Florida at the end of July to receive a “second” opinion. I feel sort of like the tree in my photo. I was standing in my forest enjoying my view and suddenly a foreign limb transfixed itself into my world. So what will it take to shake off this foreign limb? An earthquake? A storm? A sympathetic wanderer? And so waits the tree, adjusting to reality while quietly hoping for an intervention. Now excuse me I’ve got stuff to do.
My sewing machine died this week. I have had her since the eighties and I wasn’t her first owner. Sewing is one of those things that many of my friends don’t realize I do. Mostly because I don’t do it often and I am not very good at it. When I have down time my brain starts dreaming up things to make and I currently seem to be focused on fabric. So out comes my seldom used sewing machine. After about a week of sewing I needed to make a bobbin and the clutch would not release. This lead me straight to the internet and long story short (smile) I broke my machine. I think I got bad advise. The sewing machine repair guy also thinks I got bad advise. Well, it wouldn’t be the first time. I hate when it happens, especially when I am suffering the consequences of said advice. The internet is a bevy of information to wade through. The problem is disernment. Bad advise often makes sense or looks really appealing. But it is still bad. I have learned that knowledge is power and I just need to be careful where my knowledge comes from.
In dealing with my health I have been overloaded with information. I have pursued several options and my path has not been quick, clear or straight. I recently decided to simply wait before I proceed with any treatment for my cancer. The cancer is not in a good place to remove surgicially and Thyroid cancer is usually slow growing. It seems that God has me in a place of waiting. An action that I am getting better at. As I wait I am asking God to take away my cancer. I am taking care of the health that I have and being content in my circumstances. I researched a few sewing machines online but just couldn’t commit to a new one. A friend advised me to borrow instead of buying and I am currently trying my mom’s sewing machine. Borrowing was good advise.
Being off thyroid replacement medication feels like you have been in a car accident. There may not be any visible injuries but every part of you aches. Even your hair. Then there is the brain fuzz. I imagine it was what my grandmother who had Alzheimer felt like. She realized she couldn’t remember. There is a loss of control and things teeter at the edge of recall. It is difficult for most people to understand that you are just not 100%. I look the same. Well almost. I look like the tired-didn’t-comb-my-hair version of me. Although I am able to function everything takes at least fifteen to thirty minutes longer and requires a nap. I will spare you the funnies about Husband having to guide me to the proper vehicle (too many choices), forgetting what year it is (after all it is only March- isn’t it?), forgetting to rinse out my conditioner (I am proud my hair got priority). It is good to have a sense of humor otherwise I would just refuse to get out of bed. And I have done a fair amount of that. This brings me to the out of whack emotions. There aren’t enough emojis to express how I feel. Not to worry because it is quickly passing, unreasonable, amplified emotions. Normal Deanna runs even and we look forward to her return.
I began this week off my thyroid medication and then received two Thyrogen shots to quickly halt my thyroid function. This prepared me for RAI (Radioactive Iodine 1-131). The day before scheduled RAI, I took a tracer and had a bone scan to determine if the iodine will uptake. I have had this treatment three times so there was a possibility that it might not. That is exactly what happened. No uptake. I leave the hospital feeling a bit put out. I felt mentally and physically prepared and the treatment isn’t going to work for me. Time for Plan B. We backpedal and try for the PET scan my insurance refused in December. This time they approve and currently I am awaiting results. This will tell us if there is cancer anywhere else so we can choose how Plan B will play out.
Last week in my small group we talked about the importance of memorizing Scripture. I know it is hard to imagine ever being somewhere that Gods Word is not available when you need it. This week I had 2 scans and for approximately 90 minutes I had to be completely still with only my mind to entertain me -yeah scary. I found comfort in the Scripture I had tucked away. The KJV recall is from childhood, other versions I memorized as an adult and some verses I just get the gist of. Versions or exact words do not matter. I hold to the meaning. Truth that will be with me always, no matter where I am or what I can remember.
I have a tendency to mindless overeating when I am stressed and sometimes when I am happy. Sugar is my drug of choice when I need a bit of a pick me up or I am distracted or just too busy. Currently I am floating on a sugar high and Easter candy is my new best friend. I have discovered that jelly beans are in season! They are reasonably priced, readily available and the selection is extensive. I admit that it can be a challenge to find the perfect bean. The jelly bean must be really fresh. I prefer bright happy colors such as orange, purple, blue or green with a nice fruity bouquet. A compliment to the firm coating that surrounds a soft smooth center. A burst of tangy yet sweet flavor intensity is the highlight of the bean and it what leads me to consume one right after another. I am only limited by my memory of running into a friend at the dollar tree when the maple leaf cookies were in season. I had to explain that the cookies were seasonal so the armload I had was for the year. They freeze quite well. No kidding. I am not sure I could use the same story for jelly beans. I guess I need to do a bit of research on freezing…
I stopped my thyroid replacement Saturday and will begin Thyrogen shots on Monday. Tuesday I will have another shot, Pre-Scan and consult. Then on Wednesday Labs and Radioactive Iodine treatment. When I leave the hospital I will have to be isolated for several days (I can’t remember exactly how many, they will tell me Tuesday maybe) Then a post-scan and resume thyroid replacement the following week. I plan on being off work for two weeks and Husband will be off to take me to my appointments. It was the week of Thanksgiving when I found out my cancer had returned and since then I have experienced a series of events. I am amazed by things that each of us go through and continue to move forward. I am inspired by those around me who suffer and still look outside their own circumstances to encourage me in mine. I am inspired to hear how God has worked in impossible situations. How He has healed, guided, provided, blessed, enabled and continues to do so regardless of our tendency to wander…
As I wander down the candy aisle I am able to see past the sugar haze to the One who not only can pick me up but will carry me through. Onward!
The first rain upon the earth lasted forty days and forty nights. Our current weather causes me to think I should gather some animals. Build a boat. Goodness gracious it is even raining in the movie currently playing in my living room! I wish I could say my attitude isn’t determined by the weather, but I can’t heartily proclaim that it isn’t. I am an outdoor gal in need of some vitamin D. I feel trapped indoors and seeped in dampness. Waterlogged, as if I will never be dry again. I don’t suddenly feel better when someone proclaims that at least it isn’t snowing. Bah humbug! Yes I admit to a touch of seasonal depression. I am usually able to rally and keep the blahs at bay. After all, a season marked by sweaters, snow days, soup, binge watching, napping and making plans for spring can’t be all bad. And so the rain and I continue. I have been trying to be in charge of my own health while depending on others. I am learning to be patient and at the same time be productive. I am learning to be content where I am as I am moved into a fresh perspective. Sometimes the winter drags on a bit too long and the rain feels neverending. I know that when spring comes she will be sweet. In the meantime I will put on my galoshes and wade on through. I am hoping it won’t take the full forty until the promised rainbow.
I realize I skipped part 3. I will come back to it I promise. It is just that part 4 feels really fresh. It is nowhere near over so hence the a. It begins in November 2018. 2018 was a year fraught with unwanted change and grief. I was ready to be done with it. Through it all I appeared to be managing my health really well. I had a rough spell in April that required an adjustment in my meds. Other than that things were looking good. A colonoscopy showed my colon to look “just like a colon is supposed to look.” I was managing my nutrition and exercise well. I wasn’t experiencing low calcium symptoms. I was feeling pretty darn good. I was. In November I had a routine ultrasound that came back suspicious. I went for a biopsy and Dr E told me immediately that it was Cancer. Dr. N called me and wanted me to see my surgeon who sent me for a CT scan. Dr O called and wanted me to consult with specialist in NC. I have a consultation with Dr S that gives me an overload of information. Dr S wants me to see a thyroid specialist but I am unable to get an appointment. In the meantime my insurance will not approve my PET scan. I have another utrasound. Dr S is concerned about the location of the tumor and damage to a nerve if he operates. He still wants me to see Dr H the thyroid specialist to see if she could do an Alcohol Ablation. Christmas is upon us so I go home and wait upon the powers that be.
At the first of the year I am finally able to get an appointment on January 29 with Dr H in her new office in Charleston, SC. It is a three week wait. For the last month I have scheduled my clients appointments telling them I might have to move them. I continue to do this. Husband has been on jury duty since October and has had alot going on at work. We are dealing with lots of unsettledness. I feel like I can’t commit to anything because I don’t know what I will need to do. I like having a plan. I am willing to deviate but I want something to deviate from. I trust God. I trust His plan for me. Often it isn’t exactly clear what I am supposed to do. I think for believers knowing Gods will through the details is often quite difficult. Do I go left or right? Wait or move ahead? I wish God functioned like Alexa. I could just say, “Father, what do you want me to do today?” And then hear His audible voice. Sigh. I know to consult His Word. But it fails to give me the details of left or right. What His Word does tell me is who He is. And without knowing who He is I could never begin to know His will. So in my struggle to make decisions and to actively wait, I will rest in who He is. Father, Savior, Redeemer, Healer, Provider, Omnipresent, Omniscient, just to name a few.
I saw Dr H in Charleston. I admit I have a dr-crush on her. She is caring, smart and pretty. She did a very through ultrasound and reviewed my medical history as well as my current regimen. Unfortunately she did not think I was a good candidate for the alcohol ablasion. It is just too close to that darn nerve. She reviewed my past records from 2005 and consulted with my three other doctors (crush!). Conclusion: The plan is to see if I can “uptake” radioactive iodine to shrink the tumors. And so I wait for insurance approval and further direction as I focus on who God is.